Today, The Day You Find Out I’m A Fraud

Today marks a month of my fifth school year at the Learning Center. Four complete years I have taught at a missionary school in Kona, HI.  I have worked in diverse situations and locations; a Samoan fale, a split classroom, and now a classroom with 1-5 grades together. I have moved classrooms several times, changed roles, tried to be flexible…and I’ve told myself that I can face any change.  I’ve told myself I can figure this all out.  I have tried to make this place a home. I have persevered despite chaotic circumstances.   I have had amazing supporters who have prayed for me and loved me. I have had people, some even strangers in the beginning, financially provide for me so that I can be here and do this. So many people have backed me, including the people I live and work with here. For four years I have been working “for God” and now,  I have come to realize I’m a fraud…for four years and four weeks I’ve been working for myself, to please myself, to prove myself, to earn my place, to prove I’m worthy.

I read this article today from an online satire called The Onion. I invite you to read it too, and then I can explain myself more clearly.

College Roommate Reunion

Swimming with Dolphins

Report: Today The Day They Find Out You’re A Fraud

ISSUE 50•04 • Jan 31, 2014

Sources are confirming that everyone—absolutely everyone—will finally figure out today that your entire life is a desperately fraudulent joke, and that you yourself are nothing more than a charlatan and a hack.

WASHINGTON—While experts agree you’ve been remarkably successful so far at keeping up the ruse that you’re a capable, worthwhile individual, a new report out this week indicates that today is the day they finally figure out you’re a complete and utter fraud.

The report, compiled by the Pew Research Center, states that sometime within the next 24 hours, people will find out that you have no idea what you’re doing, that you’ve been faking it for years, and that, through continuous lying and shameless posturing, you’ve actually managed to dupe virtually everyone around you into thinking you’re something other than a weak and ineffectual person.

They’ve had their suspicions all along, sources said, but today their suspicions will be confirmed.

“Though you’ve somehow gotten this far in life without anyone discovering you’re not what you pretend to be, it’s all about to come crashing down, and not a minute too soon, to be frank,” reads the report, which goes on to note that you don’t deserve anything you have—not your job, not your relationship, not even your parents’ love—and you know it. “You’re incompetent, you’re petty, you’re vain, you’re barely keeping it together beneath that confident exterior you project, and your little charade is just about over.”

“They’re all on to you,” the report continues. “You do understand that, don’t you?”

Your boss and coworkers will realize today that you are completely unqualified for your current occupation, experts confirmed. Already, they are reportedly starting to sense that you’ve just been skating by—pretending to know what you’re talking about, as if you actually possess any kind of real or meaningful skills—and that you’re far more of a liability to the company than you’ve ever been an asset.

Several experts also noted that any potential employer in your future will immediately recognize that your entire career has been a sham, that you more or less bluffed your way through school, and that you’re unfit for any task beyond menial labor.

According to the report, the people you are closest to, from friends to family to your romantic partner, will find out today that you’ve merely been impersonating someone who deserves to be in their lives—piecing together just enough lies about yourself to trick them into thinking you’re a genuine, understanding person.

In addition to everyone you’ve ever met knowing you’re a huge imposter, even strangers on the street will know, the report stated, in most cases simply by looking at you.

“People will soon surmise that you’re just a feeble, self-obsessed loser, scraping by from day to day and hoping not to get found out, and you know what? They’re right,” reads another section of the report. “The pathetic deceit that lies at the very core of your being, that defines you, that is you, won’t be a secret much longer, because the rest of the world is going to figure out what your parents have known all along: You’re a big f-ing joke.”

“On some level, deep down, you knew this day had to come,” the report concludes. “And now it has.”

At press time, sources confirmed that here we go: You can see it in their eyes. They know. They all know. Every last one of them absolutely knows. And you deserve every bit of scorn and rejection that is coming your way.

 

Parents visited!

Aunt Mary visited!

Does this resonate with you? Do you ever feel like a fraud? I’m a fraud. I’m not perfect, nope, not even close. All these years I’ve been a crazy workaholic. All these years I’ve been trying to prove my worth.  I’ve been trying to justify myself. I can’t do it anymore. I JUST CAN’T! I’m tired and beat.

Color Run Kona 2014

Jenny came to visit!

And from this moment, this moment when the world knows I am a fraud and I realize I can’t justify myself, from this moment I understand the good news. The only one who can justify me is God, and he has. I am already justified. I am free. I am not what I do. I don’t have to strive anymore. I can never meet perfection and I don’t have to. The work is done. The tab is paid. It is all finished. I don’t deserve it, and yet I receive this freedom with open arms.

End of the World–25 foot Cliff Jump

Thank you to all my friends and family near and far who have put up with a wretch like me. Thank you for your love and support despite my craziness. I hope to walk in this freedom. My calling is to Love God and Love Others…and for the first time I think I understand this. My prayer is that I remember this when my old habits bare their ugly claws. May I remember that I am already justified. So from one fraud to the next…may you understand this good news of grace.

Swimming after Color Run with Allison

So here’s to the next four days, four months, four years, forty years of freedom. I’ll keep you posted…

The Kiwi Way

My Yearbook Picture—notice the country I took my picture by…

I am sure many of you heard about my random surprise trip to New Zealand in April. I have been meaning to write a new blog post since I found out I’d be visiting that country of my dreams, but I allowed distraction after distraction to detour me from sitting down and doing what I am finally doing now. Why now am I making the time? Truthfully, because I am having one of those days where I feel completely beat up by life. Today was a difficult day. Today’s challenges brought up past wounds and fears and anxieties and as I laid in bed feeling completely defeated and drowning in my own tears I forced myself to get up, grab my computer and tell the world my blessings. With tears streaming down my face I am proclaiming that I will overcome the darkness that is creeping in, one bright word at a time. I hope you can join me…

 

One Tree Hill view in NZ

 

I sat, blasting music in my headphones at my office desk, yes now I’m in the office without a classroom of my own. I am still teaching, but I bounce from class to class holding books and graded papers like a vagabond. The office is loud and chaotic and my headphones keep me focused allowing the noises and distractions to fade into the background. A piece of candy hit me in the forehead; my boss sat at the desk across from me and smiled deviously. Seconds after I took my headphones out she asked, “Do you want to go to New Zealand next week?” I am not sure I fully understood the question and yet still managed to stammer yes. She commented that I didn’t even know why, but I figured I would go even if I had to walk on fire. I have always wanted to visit New Zealand. In fact, this school year in October we took school pictures on a giant map and I chose to take my picture by New Zealand. Crazy coincidence, I think not! She proceeded to tell me about the opportunity of joining a tour of Loren Cunningham, the founder of YWAM, as he spoke about Education throughout the country of New Zealand. Myself and another leader would piggyback on the tour and try to recruit teachers for our own school. New Zealand is currently number four in the world in education; why not recruit and make connections with the best?

 

Judy and I at one of the conferences.

A week later I was in New Zealand, recovering from a ridiculously long flight and driving on the other side of the road in the beautiful city of Auckland. This country was similar and at the same time so foreign:

• Everyone spoke English, but I was the one with the cool accent. Every car appeared to be lacking a driver and had a surprisingly jaunty passenger unaware of what I perceived to be their imminent doom. Driving on the other side of the road is not for the faint of heart, especially around the roundabouts.
• We had a GSP that often chimed like a video game and we jokingly proclaimed we were earning points, but days later we realize that its annoyance warned of our speeding.
• The money system was a “dollar,” but with a similar exchange rate, everything was far more expensive than a US dollar.
• Their government offices are called “ministries” causing me to feel like I was in Hogwarts.
• “One Tree Hill” is not a TV show, but an actual historical location for the indigenous Maori culture.
• The countryside was beautiful with rolling green hills…plastered with flocks of sheep.
• I watched to see if the toilet water flushed the opposite direction, but couldn’t remember which way it normally went.
• Caspian is not a sea or a prince…it’s a bell pepper.
• There was less humidity, but still many rainbows.
• I was often cold, but the sun was shinning each beautiful Fall day in April…weird.

 

Inside the Skytower hotel.

 

In our short four days we visited and made great connections with four schools, recruited at four conferences, attended a meeting with the top Christian school leaders of the country, and met with leaders at a Christian University about possible internship partnerships. It was a fully maximized trip, which took me another week to recover from. During this whirlwind I learned that  because of New Zealand’s relatively small population, many innovative economic ideas are tested in their country first before the rest of the world gets to see such technology. Their credit cards are actually different than ours with little microchips instead of black swiping strips. New Zealanders have a spirit of pioneering, perfectly aligned with the spirit of my little lab school in Hawaii. Although we did not get any confirmed teachers form the trip, we did learn about the future of Education and how our visions for our school are quite possible. The Kiwi Way was quite inspirational. Before we had left for New Zealand, we as a staff struggled to even see how to run the school next year.  With Visa issues for current staff, other staff leaving to pursue other dreams, and a lack of new staff; things looked bleak. The ideas and partnerships we gained in New Zealand sparked our hearts on fire and we have new inspiration to forge on and innovate outside the typical school mindset. Ideas we are tossing around have to do with multiple grades together, mixed groupings by gender, level, and  opposite ages, collaborative teaching, online school partnerships for upper grades, and many other crazy thoughts. Our vision of mobile and modular is coming together, four years later. Only God knows what next year will look like, but we have the freedom to follow what research says and test those theories knowing full well that God provides.

 

The Mighty Staff…most will not return next school year.

The Learning Center’s leadership will be on recruiting trips this summer in California, Maryland and Arkansas. If you think of them, pray for more connections. We are flying all over the world to find teachers, but I found one in our own backyard. As you know I have also been volunteering at The Coffee Lounge for my church Shorebreak. I have met a good friend there, who also started paddling with me on Kai Opua’s outrigger canoe team. Her name is Annaleis, and she is pretty awesome. She and her husband moved here with a heart for missions and as I got to know Annaleis better I realized she would be a perfect fit for our school. She has a pioneer heart and a vision to share God’s love. She has a ton of experience in what may seem like random places, but each experience has perfectly prepared her for next year. Her husband is working toward being a missionary pilot and Annaleis would like to help educate families while on the mission field. We will be her training ground. I am so excited that this talented woman of God has joined our team and will be volunteering next school year. God has a funny way of bringing people together. I am truly blessed by her friendship and cannot wait to see how God uses her at our school and how this training will bless the nations.

 

Crazies

Amazingly, there are three weeks of school left. That means I have been here four years. I’ve taught every grade, 1st-8th at The Learning Center. I have even helped teach teachers. I’ve traveled to schools in Western Samoa, South Korea, and New Zealand. I’ve grown and matured a ton, and yet I have so far to go. I’ve become aware of my unhealthy perfectionism, my unrealistic expectations, and my ability to put tasks above relationships. I wish I could say I had this all figured out, but each day I grow. And so, I started this blog feeling pretty crappy today, but perspective has lightened the mood and my tears are no more. It’s pretty cool how gratefulness can end self-pity. Another blessing to count is that my parents are coming for the whole summer. They arrive June 4th, a few days before school ends and before my big 32 birthday. I cannot wait. My mom and dad are both retired and are coming here to take some time to think about what is next in their lives. I’m glad that the next three months I will have them down the street from me again!

Office friends…the ones I drown out with headphones.

Update: I wrote this blog post two weeks ago. Today, today….was actually a great day. I decided to keep my original writing because it reflects how life has ups and downs. I was super low, but coming out of that I am so much stronger. I am thankful to have the opportunity to voice my thoughts here…even if no one reads. But if you are reading, I want to finish with more gratefulness…I finished all my grading and my parents are coming tomorrow. School officially ends on Friday and my birthday is Sunday. YAY!  I want to take a second to thank everyone for all your love and support this year. I have had a wonderful fourth year in Hawaii and it wouldn’t be possible without my friends and family. Thanks for praying for me and staying connected even when I am far away and engulfed in my usual business. Mahalo!

I’m the second one…this was my first regatta.

My mixed team on the first regatta. 2nd place baby!

Spring Break in Kauai..a friend lives there and we got the hook up. This is a silly picture from our ATV fun.

Ziplining in Kauai…Thanks Carmel.

2014- This is THE YEAR

And the journey of 2014 has begun…

Welcome to 2014! I hope you are as excited about this new year as I am. I had an amazing start to this new year by going on a hike to the top of Hualalai. It was seven hours uphill though unstable dried lava terrain and shrubbery. A group of us spent the night at the summit and watched the first sunrise of 2014. It was quite the experience. If you want to see a clip of our adventure and an amazing photo lapse of a Hawaiian Sunrise check out this link: http://vimeo.com/83832359

The first Caldera I’ve ever seen, pretty impressive!

Friends hiking…long road ahead.

Pre sunrise…I couldn’t wait for the sun to bring it’s warmth.

2014- I welcome you with open arms!

I must admit-I don’t like being cold!

Trespassing….umm not guilty!

I accomplished a huge goal at the end of 2013, which launched me into 2014 having super high expectations for what is next. I ran my first marathon in Honolulu and it only took me 5:15 total, which isn’t too bad for 26.2 miles. I trained well because of my running partners who pushed me to stick to our training schedule. Thank you Lindsay and Joseph….I seriously could not have done that without you. Sadly, I haven’t really ran since. My disciplined running schedule never gave me a love for running. I’m excited to see what is next, maybe paddling…whatever it is I want to be part of the Kona Community.

And I was running….

I’m thankful for all the training we did together. Thanks Lindsay for making me go the distance!

Here we are, Lindsay, Esther, and myself, ready to run at 5:30 AM with 30,000 other crazies.

I was dying at the end!

Lindsay and I at Dukes post marathon…we survived!

In October 2013, my friend Kate came to visit. Kate is my college roommate and we try to reunite as often as possible. We had a blast checking out what the Big Island has to offer. I was blessed to finally meet her fiancé, and even more blessed to like him. Martin and Kate get married in July this year and I am super excited to watch them as they enter this new milestone in life together. Pray that I will be able to attend their wedding!!! Below are some random pictures of recent adventures. Come visit any time and we can go on adventures together!!! Come on, you know you want to.

One of my favorite hiking spots. Pololu’u Valley…gorgeous.

My friend Kate came to visit…we had such a great time together. I’m blessed to have such great friends.

Katniss’ gots nothing…just kidding, I was horrible.

Besides trying to make this new year more adventurous, I believe that I am called to be more “social” and “relational.” I am so used to being behind four walls teaching students, and working on grading and lesson planning at school and at home. I do not get out often, besides running, or hanging out with my roommates. My church started a new ministry called the Coffee Lounge. It is a coffee shop, in the heart of Kona. The love language of Kona is coffee, and so we are reaching out to this community. I truthfully have always wanted to be a barista, but did not want to work at Starbucks. Ironically, I don’t really drink coffee often…but that might change! It’s scary learning completely new things, so this is the perfect opportunity and environment for me to learn. I volunteer at the Coffee Lounge and few hours a week. I have already met new people and love this opportunity to get out of the house and learn new things. I also love that I can bless my church and the community through service. If you live in Kona, or are visiting, stop by and have a cup of Joe! (I just learned the history behind that name!)

I’m a volunteer barista! If you live in Kona, come by the Kona Coffee Lounge.

Speaking of volunteering…my “volunteering” —missionary work at the Learning Center is going really well! The start of the new year is the start of many, many new beginnings. The Lord blessed our school with two new teachers for the remainder of the school year, and this allowed me to take some steps into an area that I have never gone before. I am now the “Curriculum Specialist” of the Learning Center. I still teach classes, but less than the quarter before. I now teach Bible to 4/5 grades and Math to grade 5.  I am now the queen of everything curriculum…for math, science, ELA, and History for grades 1-8. Am I qualified for this? No, not really, and so I walk in fully humility doing my best to support all the teachers. My new position has given me a new physical position in the office, where I can be found fully ready to help teachers and prepping standards and curriculum quizzes, tests, assignments, and vocabulary. I am simultaneously working on several projects and juggling teacher needs. I am forced to grow in communication skills; I can’t be the regular know-it-all, but will have to really listen to the needs of the teachers in order to best help them grow. I like these changes and feel honored to serve our staff.

We still need teachers, especially for next year. So, if you know anyone who is interested, give them my contact information. MAHALO!

Teaching sixth grade!- World Vision Day!

WE NEED MORE TEACHERS!!

Blessings to you and HAPPY (BELATED) NEW YEAR!!!!

Mission Physics and Pre Algebra!

This summer my mom and I finally made a T-shirt quilt made of my favorite old t-shirts. I’ve been wanting to do this for years. Thanks Mom!

I’ve been in Hawaii for about a month and I am finally settled. I moved back into my old apartment, I’ve moved into my new classroom, and I finally have some idea of what my next year of teaching will be. It feels nice to get back to a routine and feel like I am home.  I’ve even got back into a running routine…supposedly I am supposed to do a Marathon this December, so I figured I better start running. Pray for me! I had a wonderful time back in Clovis this summer, especially with my parents, but I am loving being back on the Big Island where I can walk barefoot and not get dirty looks.

My stuff I needed to unpack from the summer. I am thankful that is over. 

I wanted to take a second to update all of you on this next school year. Thank you for all your prayers regarding my school’s lack of teachers and space. God has heard those prayers and an out of the box solution has come together. Let me start with the specs: there are three teachers, nine support staff, and one intern. Our school offers grades one through eight. I’m going to let you do the math, three teachers and eight grades…no matter how you look at it, it just doesn’t add up. However, there are those other staff members who may not be certified to teach all subjects, but they can teach specialty courses and therein lays the answer. We converted our schedule into blocks of time and had the teachers rotate around from class to class teaching different subjects. This way the teachers who are certified to teach the core subjects of language arts and math can teach all the grades. This adds depth and variety to the students learning day. It was super difficult to create a schedule where each teacher teaches and each grade has every subject without overlaps. I spent hours the first days I returned to the island figuring out this puzzle, and with help from other staff we solved it and created an intricate schedule that utilizes all the staff and their talents.  Every student has language arts, history, math, music, physical education, Bible, and Korean. Grades one through three also have nature study, which is a type of science. Grades four through eight have science, technology, and drama added to their schedule. For a private school that costs about one hundred a month and that is ran by volunteers, these students are getting a great education full of the arts and full innovative lessons. I’m blessed to be part of such a model school. Where do I fit into this schedule? I am all over the place, as is everybody else.

My efforts in creating this crazy schedule! It was a puzzle for sure.

This year I will teach 4^th and 5^th Science, 6-8 Science, 5^th Math, 6^th Math, and 7^th/8^th Math. It’s almost comical when I think about the topics I will be covering. I am going to be teaching physics in those science classes and my math classes span from basic multiplication memorization to pre-algebra. Yes, you read that correctly…physics. WHAT? I have no idea what I have gotten my self into. Not only do I have to really stretch myself to grasp the math and then compartmentalize it into different grades, I also have learn physics…a subject that paralyzes my mind. I have never even taken a physics class and I am far from being a “tinkerer.” The funniest part of this situation is the fact that I get so lost in my teaching that I often loose track of time and I always leave my supplies in different areas of the classroom. Almost every day of my teaching career a student has returned to me a dry erase pen or a pencil that I had left on their desk when giving them individual attention. Now imagine that person having to run from one class to another every forty-five minutes. I will be leaving books, and gradebooks, and pencils everywhere. It will be like little breadcrumbs that some one could use to trace back my steps.

 

My new classroom and my OCEAN view!!!

More views of my classroom!

School started on Wednesday, but the hectic block schedule started on Friday. I only had two classes that day because it was a special short schedule and it was a bit nerve racking. I had to set timers to keep me on pace and I didn’t get half of what I planned to cover done in either class. When school was over I was exhausted. As I sat at my desk and looked over all I did not accomplish that day, another teacher came into my room and dropped off a notebook I had left in her classroom during a previous lesson. Oh man, day one and I’m leaving stuff! I’m in trouble!!!

First Day of School –All School Cooperation Games

I tell you all of this for two reasons. I want everyone to know that there is always a solution to a problem and God always provides for your needs whether you think you have enough or not. The moment my staff and I decided we have all the people we need to make this school work, we made it work. We became content with what we were given and did the best with it. I also share this so that you know that you can do anything. I’m teaching physics people! If I can do that, you can do anything. Sure it’s going to be difficult, and most of the time I might have a dumbfounded look on my face, but I believe I can do it. My motto for myself this year is that it always seems impossible until it is done. I made that the sixth grade motto, because that is the class that is my HOMEROOM, so I am there with them first thing in the morning and to end their day. I decorated their room with a Spy theme and told them that they are agents in Mission Possible. I think I was inspired by my summer of watching Chuck (a show about a dorky CIA agent) I figured the more I tell them that their school work  is not impossible the more I can remind myself that my mission is also not impossible. I have chosen this mission and I trust that God will use me every step along the way. Your mission, should you chose to accept it….is to do the same. Trust that God has great plans and that He can work through you if you trust in Him. This message, about Jesus, will never self destruct. (Get it?)

 

Blessings to you in whatever “mission” you are doing…whether it be a stay at home mom/dad, a salesman, a teacher, a student, or a manager. May God do great things through you and may you be willing to put your trust in Him. Over and Out!

 

Summer Time Smores–enjoying life before the craziness began!

 

 

 

Rational vs. Irrational

Summer Hike in the Sierras

A handsome man asked me, “What are you doing with your life?” Without hesitation I replied, ” Living.” To which he said, “On a prayer.” And my response was, “I love Bon Jovi too!” And then he took my hand and we made it, both living on a prayer! I know this story is irrational, but this could be my life, if it were a song.  I know, my life is not a music video, but I am living on a prayer, which many see as irrational as well.

Mis padres in Santa Cruz

Monterey with my parents!

If you hadn’t heard I went back “home” to Clovis for this summer. It’s been four years since I moved away. This summer break allowed me to be in California for the longest amount of time since I first left in April 2009. I’ve been able to see old friends and hang out with family. I’ve met all my friend’s new babies, which has been super exciting. I’ve eaten out way too much. In addition, my parents and I have had a Chuck marathon, we made it through three seasons. I have truly had a great and relaxing time.

My “office” this summer!

I claimed a quaint little coffee shop down the street from my parent’s house as my new office. I couldn’t work from my parents’ home because my dad walked around on the phone all day “yelling” real estate deals. I had tons of school work to do over this summer and I needed my own space to be productive. I don’t know what I will be teaching next year because of our lack of teachers, but I think seventh grade math is one subject on my agenda. Seeing that I haven’t seen seventh grade math since I was in seventh grade I decided to get a very big head start this summer. I diligently worked on Chapter 1: The Real Number System where I was challenged by the concept of Rational verses Irrational Numbers. Yes, there is such a thing. I didn’t know this either, which is more proof that I need to be spending the summer figuring this out before I could possibly teach it. Just for your information, there are such things as irrational numbers…for example…pie is an irrational number. There is also a symbol that resembles the D in Walt Disney’s signature that represents some type of ratio; I don’t know it’s name or it’s approximate numerical value, but it too is an irrational number. The square root of 2 is also irrational. Me actually assuming you care about this is irrational.

Disneyland with Cousins

Disneyland with Family

While wrestling with this new math concept, my mind began exploring non-numerical rationality. I started questioning the rationality of my life. It’s almost been five years since I resigned from my tenured job and took this leap of faith. Since then I’ve been faced with some tough questions. Was my leaving Clovis Unified rational? Was accepting a non-paying job rational? Was moving to Hawaii without secure finances rational? From the outside, I’m sure that most of what I have done in the last five years has seemed irrational. I, someone who never has my cell phone with me, chose to work for T-Mobile that first year after resigning from my teaching job. Not to mention, despite my efforts, I was the bottom sales rep every month I was there.  Someone who dislikes sales should not be selling things, especially things she rarely uses. This was just the beginning of the seemingly irrational events that I have been a part of.

Ju-C-Dish reunion, 13 years later! Thanks for the send off guys!

In contrast, up to five years ago, every decision I made, well almost, …okay…, many of my big decisions were rational. I became a teacher because I liked school– that’s rational. I taught in Clovis Unified, one of the best school districts in the nation, for one of it’s top schools, both rational and amazing parts of life. It was also rational for me to become a workaholic, because at the time I believed that all I had was my job. I was strongly considering buying a house, which was a rational investment. I was daydreaming of my perfect future family, with my perfect husband and my 1.5 children (let’s round that to 2 to be rational). My rational future was to teach until I could retire and raise my family and live in Clovis…never Fresno, *for-ev-er (*to be read like in the movie The Sandlot). That was to be my rational life, or at least that is what I thought.

Me and Tubby-My cousin’s son!

Have I lost all rationality since then? No. I can truly say that what may seem as irrational really does make perfect sense and I am exactly where I am supposed to be at exactly the right time. God has provided and will continue to provide and the moment I trust in that, my current life is rational. Many facets of my life seem irrational, but in reality they aren’t…

Irrational view: I work an average of 50+ hours a week on a volunteer basis.

Rational Truth: I am fully provided for and able to do what I love thanks to God’s provision through friends and family. I’m less stressed and loving what I get to do everyday!

Irrational View: As far as I know, there are just two full time teachers for eight grades this next school year. Did you make a stunned face when you read that? I can’t figure it out either!

Rational Truth: It’s going to workout. The Learning Center will continue to revolutionize education using another outside the box solution. In a few weeks, I will give testament to how good God is at solving crazy problems such as this.

Irrational View: I am 31 years old and have to share a room with a roommate.

Rational Truth: My roommate cracks me up and we have such a great time laughing.

Irrational View: I live on a remote island with tons of honeymooners and the recently retired where there aren’t a ton of choices as far as the dating scene goes.

Rational Truth: I will have my own family one-day, when I am ready. I can’t control it, it won’t be under my terms, but I trust that it will happen. (I will get that family with 1.5 children yet! Just kidding!)

BennyBOO my “niece”-my friend’s baby girl

I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and I am convinced more than ever that I am where I am supposed to be. The truth is that you are too. If you seem to feel like your life seems irrational, you are exactly where you are supposed to be if you seek God in prayer. Whether you are about to retire, but don’t have a clue what is next, or you are a stay-at-home mom who constantly hears bra-burners saying get a job, or you recently ended a relationship that many saw as good, but you knew differently…wherever you are in life you are exactly where you are supposed to be. So counter those irrational views, whether they be from outsiders or internally, with the rational truth! You don’t have control, but God does. Seek him, live on a prayer, and trust Him because He is already seeking you!

The Fujikawa’s!

I am living a life so much different and more awesome than I could ever fathom or rationalize, but prayer is what keeps me going. My faith in God, what many see as irrational, is what is my basis for living. I may seem to be living an irrational life, but I am living on a prayer and trusting that God has a plan. My life experiences have shown me that that is the most rational thing I can do. Now look out Hawaii, summer is over so here I come… I’m coming back to my home and my rational life, which is full of rational and irrational numbers!

I love my MOM & she love’s me, most of the time.

New Year, New Love

New Year-New Love

I was surprised by my class on February 14th. They snuck in the classroom the night before and decorated it with streamers, balloons, heart post-its with love notes, and posters of love. Then they even came early to surprise me before school. I couldn’t believe they organized it themselves. WOW!

Jeremiah 31:3 The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” ;

During Spirit Week at the Learning Center we had a Crazy Hair Day. When you teach middle school you have to bring on the school spirit strong! That was the most time I ever spent on my hair!!

I love you! I really do. I may not know exactly who you are, but if you are reading this I love you. I wish I could say it is the love that you and everyone else are seeking, but hopefully my superficial love can point you to the love that you long for most. ;

Another Spirit Week day called Professional Day. I decided to be a Mac Book Pro! Do you get it? Nobody really did, except me! I made the shirt and if you look on my face, I have Wifi!

I was recently faced with this truth: Everyone in this world seeks three things. Think about all that you long for…come on, take a second and think of what you want… ;

My neighbor is on the board of the local Canoe Club, and he got me in for a free paddle session! We were up close with the whales!

I was able to go night snorkeling with Manta Rays a month ago. These huge creatures swim right below you. It is amazing!!!

As you think I can tell you things that I recently have been seeking: more friends more inventive teaching ideas ways to connect with my students good-tasting healthy food more time reading God’s word faster running times time to plan and grade, time to eat well, and time train for a tri more prayer and financial support

The cloudy view from up on top of Mauna Kea.

; Now, this is what I learned…all of the above can funnel into three basic and intrinsic needs…every person seeks LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, and SECURITY. ; Because I want more personal relationships shows my need of LOVE. The fact that I want to eat well, teach well, compete in triathlons well points to my need for ACCEPTANCE. My want for more time with God, good food, and support shows my need for SECURITY. ;

This is my class on our field trip to the top of Mauna Kea. We went to the astronomy observatory and got to see thousands of stars!

Now how about your list? Did you even make one? Take a second and think about it and see if they all fall into those three categories. I bet you I am right!!! ;

I was so blessed by Geri and Elliott Johnson visiting the Big Island. Amazingly, Geri and I have been friends for 17 years!

So now that we both know what we want most in life, where do we get it? If everyone is seeking the same thing, we cannot get it from each other, right? Truthfully, it might not be exactly what you want to hear, but true LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, and SECURITY comes from God, and God alone. He loves you even if you are His enemy, He accepts you even if you do not believe in Him. He provides for you even if you think you provide for yourself.

The entire study body of the Learning Center. 70 students for only our third year! This was our Christmas Program.

; Having friends, eating well, and working hard are all necessary and good, but trusting in and truly loving God is what life is all about. I realized recently that I need to be getting my LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, and SECURTY from God. It is easy to say, but tough to do! Such knowledge helps me during times of the unknown. Sometimes I feel like I’m all alone here and no one can relate. What’s that song….”Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going to just eat mud!” Sometimes I feel that no one understands me and that I have to over-achieve for anyone to accept me. Sometimes I feel like I have to provide for myself. Now that I know the truth, I cannot let those feelings take over. I need to remind myself that GOD loves me no matter what. He loves me more than anyone could ever love me. He will be faithful to provide. The truth shall set me free!!! (and you too!) ;

Our class field trip to play with the dolphins.

;

Stinky Fish, but Cute Dolphin!

Amazing!!!

I know I have gotten a bit preachy for this post, but when I learned this information I felt like I needed to share this, maybe someone out there needs to hear it too, or maybe be reminded. As you can see I also posted recent pictures from my life here in Hawaii so that you can see what I have been up to. I thank you all for your love from afar and nearby and for reading my thoughts. May they bring you comfort.

Pray for Staff, WE NEED MORE TEACHERS!!!

May you feel real LOVE today! Write me a comment or email me, I would love to hear from you! HONESTLY!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eU71ON-M_5o

Our Christmas Lyrics- written by my class to help show you all that we do everyday in school!

; http://www.shorebreakchurch.com/#!new-here/cc4o The above link is a interview of me from my church here in Kona. Check it out!

Diary of a Middle School Teacher

Middle School Teacher

I’ll start with Answered Prayer– I wanted to thank you all for your prayers in regards to the Learning Center getting a first grade teacher. God provided, although not what we had expected. A woman who is one of our core leaders for the Learning Center ministry decided to teach first grade this year. She only has home-school experience, so she is often overwhelmed with the 12 crazy kids, but she is doing awesome. She has a son in her class and so she relates well with the kids and parents and is full of energy and creative ideas. With a husband who is in the works or directing a major motion picture, three children ranging from first, to fourth, to seventh grade, and being a leader on the YWAM campus, she is one busy woman. If you ever you think of the Learning Center please pray for Judy and her juggling act!

The beautiful women I work with. The First Grade teacher is to my left! Please keep her in your prayers.

I have much to report since I last wrote. I have officially taught sixth, seventh, and eighth grades for over a month now. I had no idea how much I would enjoy it. I often have no idea what I am doing, but I find myself laughing along the way. Many people have been asking me what I have been learning since this new school year started. Practically, I have been learning about Astronomy, Greek words, and that middle school kids don’t know how to write complete sentences. If I were to genuinely answer that question though, I would say that what I have been learning that I am loved. God loves me despite my freak out moments, despite my work-a-holic tendencies, despite my perfectionisms. I’ve been focused my whole life to please others, to make sure I say and do the right thing. I work all the time and want everyone to know it because in my mind that gives me value. The truth is though, that “Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so!” My value is in God because I was created in his likeness. I was recently directed to read Genesis Chapter 1 and to focus on all the times that God stopped and reflected on his work. God was constantly saying that His work was good! When do I ever do that? I always reflect on my work and mostly focus on my failures. I have this eternal drive to achieve, to go further, to accomplish more, to strive on toward perfection, but when do I stop and look back at what I have done and say “it is good!”? Umm, never! I always find flaws with what I have done. I always expect better from myself. I strive to never fail and am so bummed when I do. When thinking of ideas for this school year, many of my ideas bombed and I would get so frustrated. Coincidently on those same days I would see a quote about Tomas Edison and his many failures before the creation of the light bulb. Duh, failures are not bad because you learn and grow from those mistakes.

Crazy Kohola Class (Whales Class in Hawaiian) because we are the biggest class. Can you tell who my challenges are?

I am totally loving teaching this year. My students crack me up. Middle school kids are awkward and they get my jokes. We relate well. What I am noticing though is a huge difference between eighth graders and sixth graders….huge gaps in understanding, responsibilities, and maturity. I have been blessed with a great class though. This is unlike any middle school because most of my students are well-behaved, well-mannered, and love learning and being at school. I have a few challenges, but God has been giving me grace. I currently have sixteen students that are mostly well-traveled Americans, but also one from Canada, one from Mexico, one from Korea, and one from Brazil. I also have three sets of siblings where one is in sixth and the other is in eighth. I’m sure the eighth graders are not thrilled to have the same class as their younger brother or sister, but they all seem to get along well and haven’t made it a huge issue. I’m careful not to compare them either.

PJ Movie Day, an earned prize for awesome work. We have a “nerf” basketball game going. They shoot for awesome work…I shoot for no names, missed homework, and disrespectful comments. They won last month….but if I win….I get a free car wash!

I’m still having a hard time differentiating my teaching, but I think I am getting better each day. I have really enjoyed creating new curriculum, except it has been a bit overwhelming at times. I had to create Science, Literature from scratch because our curriculum had not come in yet. I have a list of vocabulary words that I have used as my backbone and have been busy creating weekly units. God has blessed me with an awesome Mission Builder, Marika, who makes my copies and puts projects together for me. I would be lost without her. She has been heaven sent! It truly has been fun getting my creative juices flowing and trusting someone else to practically assemble it. Grading has been a challenge, especially with keeping expectations different for each grade. I have gotten back into particularly long working days again, but last week I started to find balance. I’m super hopeful that I have found my groove. My classroom has moved twice and we are now in our permanent location. I love my new spacious classroom with a brand new tv. I’ve been teaching using Powerpoint and have loved how it has kept me prepared and organized. On top of that, I have a tablet, which allows me to write all over my Powerpoints from all over the classroom. I think I was made for middle school! Thank you all for your prayers as I began this year. I was quite fearful that this would be an undoable task, but what I am learning is that most things seem impossible until it is done!

Classroom Technology in the new classroom! Computers, TV, Wireless Tablet…love it!

I walked into my class one afternoon and found a random guy sleeping on my reading carpet. I had to take a picture. It was so weird…living in community has its pros and cons.

Speaking of impossible. I have competed in a 10k race and a 1.2 mile swim race this last month. I can’t believe it! I have friends here who have truly blessed me by signing me up and paying for these races and believing in me the whole way. Without their slight pushes I would be over working, but when I have a race on the horizon I have something that motivates me to leave the classroom and get my butt in gear! I am ever so grateful for them. I swam in the Kukio Blue Water Swim a few weeks ago, which was 1.2 miles in a time of 46.08. I only swam three times to prepare, but I guess that was enough. I only found out about the race the weekend before anyways. I was quite confident I was going to drown or be last, but instead I actually did pretty well considering my lack of training. I am beyond blessed! I don’t know exactly what is next, but it’s fun to be surprised. I feel an Olympic Tri and maybe a marathon in my future. I was inspired once again with the Ironman World Championships earlier last month. I was able to volunteer for More than Sport again this year. I love this organization and what they do for the local community. Check out their next project in Thailand… http://www.morethansport.org/

Ironman 2012 Body Marking at 4:30 AM. I was blessed enough to stamp numbers on the muscular arms of the triathletes for the Ironman World Championships.

My view from the pier of the IRONMAN pros finishing their 2 mile swim.

My run through the finish line of the Kukio Blue Water Swim….slow time, but at least I did not drown.

Thank you for your continued love and prayers. I am so gracious to have friends and family like you. Please keep in touch. May God continue to bless you. I will end this post by truly confessing that I have done well the last two months….my work is good! Praise God! One of my student’s father is planning on bringing the gospel to the BIG SCREEN! David Cunningham is in the works of creating a major motion picture about King David and his Might Men from the bible. The movie is based on the book series Lion of War. The project has started and the dream is coming true. The making of this movie will jump start a movie industry on the Hawaiian islands, providing jobs and economic growth for the community as well as challenge the traditional way movies are made. By bypassing studios, David has the creative freedom to direct the movie as he envisions and can stick to the biblical truth of the story. I first heard about this project almost three years ago while in Costa Rica. I feel like I am a small part of this because so many people I know are putting this together. There is even a state of the art movie set behind my classroom. Please check out the links below and see how you too can be a part of it. Pass the word on and pray for this movie! http://lionofwar.com/movie/ http://vimeo.com/52636612

Picture Samoa

A picture hodgepodge of my adventures in Western Samoa. The Country, The Mission, The Adventure…

LCCY Outreach to Western Samoa (July 6th-27th)

The Country

Western Samoa, known as “SA-MOA” is a beautiful country full of pristine beaches, towering palms, and lush greenery everywhere. The taxis actually drive slow and villages have contests on who has the least amount of trash in the streets. Although it is technically a third world country, the people are working hard to make changes. There are little stores on every corner where families sell unhealthy snacks and canned food and the youth seem to congregate at certain ones after school. People do not keep eye contact when they speak, this is how they show honor. The children all have beautiful, big, dark eyes and honor their elders through service. Time moves slowly and the entire country seems to shut down on Sunday after church services. It is hot, and we were there during their winter.

The View

Arrival–23 Hours Ahead of Honolulu Time. Breathtaking view.

Apia, Western SA-MOA. Not a lot going on here, but beautiful just the same.

God’s Creation is Beautiful

Samoa celebrated it’s 50th year of independence in June this year. We just missed the huge celebration.

The Money

The Samoan Talah is equal to 2.44 American dollars.

The Food

“Bananas”–actually plantains, similar to Costa Rica—other food includes: taro, taro’s cousin, chicken, fish, lamb, cabbage, and pumpkin.

The Transportation

Public Transportation-colorful, raised buses blaring pop music and decorated with fur and boa dashboards. Although it was cheaper than a taxi, we only rode the bus once.

The Language

Samoan Bible. A look into their language, all I heard was “ahh, ahh, fah, ahh.” The only words I learned were “TALOFA”-Hello, and “VIA”-Water, and I think “Mighty-Mighty”- means students.

Housing

Typical Houses–Samoans burry their deceased family members in a gravesite located in their front yards to keep family close. (You can see a cement tomb on the bottom right of the yellow house.)

Many people live in a simple fale, like the one we stayed in. The tarp walls can roll up or down depending on the rain. We slept in the fale on the left, open for the world to see.

The Mission

Our goal was more of a humanitarian effort to help bring basic education to underprivileged kids, but we knew that God would transform lives through us. The education system was revamped by Australia, but unfortunately most of their aid has not made much improvement. There is no Samoan curriculum, everything is taught in English, yet English in not the language spoken at home. Sadly 90% of students end their education at grade 8 because they cannot pass the country’s exams. Our mission was to go and teach the basics of penmanship, math, and English to local village kids who cannot attend school. We also had the goal of helping teach teachers our curriculum and methods so that they could multiply this knowledge on their island. Our outreach changed and molded along the way and to God be the glory for all that was taught and learned. God had bigger ideas, because we also were able to teach at local public schools and inspire a few teachers and principals along the way. Our prayer is that eventually a Samoan curriculum will be developed and students will be taught in their primary language. This prayer has already started to be answered by the building of The Learning Center Samoa.

The Kona Team

We Are Teachers, take us seriously. Seriously!

The Public Schools

Students take slippers off before entering the classroom.

Dot Math Cuties….

Teaching writing to students at the Victim Support School. A school where kids live in a government home awaiting their family’s legal trial.

Hundreds of Kids excited to learn!

Me teaching students how to add and multiply in their head by showing them how to make 10.

The Falelauniu Village Kids

Recent education reform has made it that kids until year eight must attend school, however these village kids have not attended school because they lack a birth certificate. This is is the case in most villages.

Teaching math to village kids in our fale. Our beds in the background, kids on the floor, and even a baby sleeping on the couch.

Pablo-our youngest student from the village. He was quite the character and the poor thing had a pink eye.

Village Kids learning to write their numbers!

Learning English color names with the game Twister.

The Future

My favorite picture, a Samoan teacher teaching her students what I taught her. The teaching of multiplication is multiplying.

The Learning Center Samoa is under construction. The YWAM base leaders believe that if they build the building the teachers will come. It’s goal, create curriculum in the Samoan language and teach every subject in Samoan, except English.

The Adventure

“Adventures are never fun while you’re having them.” -C.S. Lewis (The Voyage of the Dawn Treader) Although this outreach was difficult at times and frustrating often God taught me a lot. Teachers tend to learn the most when they teach. Here is a taste of things that I learned about myself:

• I can teach math to a class of one hundred students who don’t speak English.
• I can basically sleep outside on metal bars with an inch of padding for three weeks.
• Heat stroke exists and makes you faint in market places.
• Bringing baby food vegetables and peanut butter was genius.
• Always bring your own toilet paper and soap with you when venturing to bathrooms in Samoa.
• I learned to love my roommates more because I saw more of who God created them to be.
• You can tell the taxi drivers the “real” price when they try to raise the rate.
• When people do not make eye-contact they are not shifty people, they are being respectful!
• I say “orange” incorrectly.
• I can dance choreographed dance moves to Justin Bieber’s “Baby” in front of a crowd.
• I can sleep all day if there is nothing to do.
• Taro the root, has a brother, or a cousin, and it is tasteless.
• I can get proposed to three times by the same person without knowing his name or speaking his language.
• God’s ideas of success are much different than my own…but mind-blowing just the same.

It’s flat. No surfing here….dang! The one thing I wanted to do on our day off. Oh well, I went swimming instead.

Rain, rain, go AWAY! It rained on our beach day…but the view was still amazing.

We were stuck at the beach all day freezing cold. This picture makes me laugh every time!

Jumping for Joy on our day off at a local resort! Freedom from the YWAM base where we spent most of days due to lack of transportation. We visited a beach resort about 45 minutes away for our last day on the island.

How can I not have fun with these girls? Matchy-matchy! Atleast they were in black shirts and not white. Long story short, most of us wore white shirts everyday because that was what we we told to bring. Miscommunication strikes again.

The night before we left the base threw us a party complete with food and dancing. This guy pulled me on the dance floor and then proposed to me for the third time. He jokingly proposed on bended knee three times over the three weeks we were there. The first time in the middle of me teaching the YWAM DTS students and staff. By the way, I blushed, laughed, and then shook my head no…all three times.

Thanks for joining me on this adventure. If you have any questions about what we did or what was accomplished feel free to contact me. Thanks for your love and support. I must say, I am so glad to be back in the United States again, but Samoa will always have a piece of my heart.

Dang, I’m Blessed!

Happy Belated 4^th of July! I trust everyone had a fantastic time celebrating with friends and family. I feel so blessed to still be in the United States of America and am truly thankful for the freedoms that we have here. Thank you to all those who have served in the military and all the families who allowed their children to voluntarily serve our country. Bless them for their sacrifices. My sense of freedom is heightened as I prepare to leave the country. I’m leaving for my Western Samoa missions outreach today and will be gone for three weeks. I cannot believe how time flies. I can truthfully say that I am excited now, I really wasn’t as of two days ago, but I’m on track now. I have been in a fog of craziness this last month, but as of this morning I have had some break through because I finally stopped everything and asked God for help. To sum up the last month in a few words- “a blur of happiness and stress.” It all meshed together and I lacked clarity, but I can see clearly now. All I have to say now is, “DANG! I’m Blessed!”

As most of you know I celebrated my 30^th birthday this last month. I was all about making this birthday special because past birthdays consist of dinner with my parents or a few friends. In fact last year I barely had any friends to invite to dinner for my birthday. It’s always a busy and stressful time with school ending and report cards and graduations and parties. I was determined to make this birthday I would never forget. For my actual birthday I planned to go to luau with my roommates and then I would plan something BIG when school was over. So I used all my Hawaiian air miles and bought myself a ticket to Kauai. My roommate had a friend who lived there and so we had a place to stay. I was super excited about this trip thinking it would make me remember my 30^th, but the funny thing is my 30^th was memorable and completely out of my control. What I am learning is that although you can plan your life, it is better to plan to be surprised. —

A view from a hike in Kaua’i

“There are no Luau’s on Friday!” I heard this at least three times from people after I told them what I would be doing for my birthday. This didn’t deter me because I trusted my roommate Crystal who is part of performing arts at the university and is friends with the people who put together all the luaus on the island. Crystal was planning my birthday and I totally trusted her. Each time someone told me that there was no way I would be attending a luau on Friday I was able to argue my way to get them to concede that fact. Little did I know that someone behind me was motioning them to shut up about it so they didn’t ruin the surprise. I thought I was good at arguing! I was too stressed with finishing report cards to look further into those comments. The funny thing is that those people where telling the truth, there are no luau’s on Friday. They where the only ones not lying to me…a secret plan was taking place…and I was completely clueless.

My students during the last week of school! FUN!

My roommates and I were getting ready for this supposed luau. Everyone was taking a long time, but it wasn’t too unusual. I was standing in the kitchen waiting on my roommates, one who inexplicably had a “broken” dress and another who needed more eye makeup on, when there was a knock at the door. (I see now they were procrastinating.) I opened the door and dressed all-snazzy was Chris Lieto (a pro triathlete). He says to me “I hear someone’s having a birthday,” as he puts a lei over me. As he hugs me I’m looking over his shoulder for his wife, but then he says he is our chauffer. I’m wondering why we need a chauffer to the luau, when I notice a white Mercedes Benz in the driveway and a red carpet with flower pedals lining the path. Just go with it I thought…Chris Lieto is your chauffer….now you don’t have to drive. We get in the car and I’m still a bit taken back and confused. When we leave we turn right, when left would be much faster, but I hold my tongue because it isn’t polite to be passenger seat driver, especially to a celebrity. As we drive up a road that leads to nowhere I finally ask, “What are we doing?” Chris says we are picking my friend Pam up. Now, Pam had already told me she was out of town for my birthday, but again I decide to just go with it. I notice we don’t have room in the car, but my roommates assure me they will squeeze her in. I know she is friends with Chris so I think she just wanted to be chauffeured too. We pull up to her house and that’s when I notice the flower pedals on the doorstop. My mind is starting to process it all at this time and I remember all the cars I just saw and now I’m putting it together. I open the door and a crowd of at least 40 people shout out “surprise.” I stood halfway behind the door to hide my embarrassed face.

This is my Surprised face!

My roommates and our “chauffeur”

As they sing “Happy Birthday” to me I try to smile and not be awkward even though I’m thinking of another way to hide. I try to take in all the people as I stand there and they take pictures. Wow, I think, all these people from different walks of my life here all together. People who bike and do triathlons with me, people from the school, friends I’ve met along the way, people of all ages united to say happy birthday to me. I’m overwhelmed with the fact that I had met 90% of the people within the last year. A flood of gratitude overwhelmed me as I reminisced about how I could barely find people to celebrate with me a year ago. God has provided so many people who care about me in less than a year. I truthfully am not super close with many of them, but I want to be. They are all amazing people. I was just so blessed that they would take time out of their busy schedules to lie to me for weeks and then surprise me like this. All of this was going through my head when the crowd parts and there walking towards me were my parents. They flew here for my birthday! Oh my goodness, what a shock. I have watched the video of my reaction since and after my eyes got huge and my mouth opened wide I made an about face and walked out the door. When reality hit I walked back in with tears in my eyes totally crying because I couldn’t cope with the idea that I was so loved.

Tears of Joy to see my parents

The party was epic with amazing food, people from different walks of life joining together and chatting it up, and dancing all night long. I made a fool of myself and enjoyed every second on the dance floor. It was the best birthday ever. Everyone who came contributed to providing me with a Vitamix (a horse powered blender) that I could only dream of having before. I even received other presents and tons of books. I was inundated all night with gift after gift after gift. Thank you to PAM MILLER who put it all together. She really knows how to throw a party and she blessed my socks off! Thank you JOHN MILLER for your hospitality. Thank you to everyone who had a part in the birthday of the year. I am truly touched and forever grateful for the love that I received! May my 3^rd decade be full of love and gratitude, just like it started.

Me & Pam (the mastermind who threw it all together and spent a month lying to me!)

All my peeps!

I had one more week of school after that party and it was super difficult to fit everything in. I had report cards, a week left with my students, my parents here, and summer knocking at my door. I don’t know quite how it all got done, but it was a week of minimal sleep for sure. I had a great time with my parents though. It was a blessing to spend quality time with them since I barely saw them when I was home in April. If you know my parents then you know they are easy to please, so they had a great time. A few days after my parents left I left for Kaua’i…my original birthday bash. It felt almost ridiculous to go on this trip after having such a blow-out birthday bash, but the trip was exactly what I needed…perspective and rest from the business of life. The trip was such a blessing because although I spent money on food, housing was with friends. Even the adventures we took were either free or minimal in price because of the people we knew. Well actually, I didn’t know the people, my roommate did. I know them now though…so thank you Carmel Legacy and Nathan Teixeira for an unforgettable trip in Kaua’i. We got all the hook-ups such as a boat trip up the NaPali Coast, exclusive hikes to waterfalls, and even a bonfire on the beach with Bethany Hamilton (pro surfer whose story is remade in movie SOUL SURFER).

My friends jumping for joy in Kaua’i

We hiked down to a waterfall, despite the many signs that gave warning!

We swam in a cave where Pirates of Caribbean was filmed.

We hiked to exclusive beaches!

I had time to think there and the fog of business lifted a bit, but when I returned that fog returned because I only had a week to prepare for Samoa. Samoa had not been on my radar at all, and now all the sudden I have a list of things to do a mile long. My dad tried to give me advice about saying that these things were all things I “WANT” to do as apposed to “HAVE” to do. This change in mindset helped, but those things did not magically take care of themselves. I found myself worried about getting LICE and sleeping outdoors for three weeks amongst the bats and hairy spiders. I really don’t want to wake up to a bat on my face! I was also fretting over the fact that our food at the base in Samoa was going to be white bread and processed meat, if any protein, and no vegetables. It was a reminder of Costa Rica all over again. The nightmare of being sick all the time and basically being malnourished was dreadful. I was also remembering how the culture of Central America was relationship oriented and that people sat around and talked for hours. This is exactly like Samoa, time moves slow, and relationship –“TALKING” as apposed to “DOING” is key. My independence and need to be alone is going to be challenged. Then I started thinking of why we are even going. I wasn’t fully supported financially, is this to further imply that I wasn’t listening to God about going? I am not prepared! All these thoughts and doubts fogged my mind and made it difficult to think. Our entire Samoa team was back together again, and although that brought unity I was still shaky. We had meetings each morning to prepare and as we met I felt blah…no excitement, more stress and worry. Finally, a night ago my outreach leader Kris called me out, she has a gift of discernment. She told me that I needed to be proactive and change this funk, not just wait for it to work itself out. She challenged me to ask God for help and just stop again, freeze the business, and seek Him first.

Me & my mom…I love you very much!

I woke up this morning and it was just what the doctor ordered. This is what I learned….and maybe this might help you if you find yourself where I was. Resting in the Lord is not dependent on your external circumstances at all, but on your relationship with God Himself. Jesus never worried and was never anxious, because His purpose was never to accomplish His own plans, but to fulfill God’s plans. I’ve been fretting over my plans, my ideas of how Samoa will be, and my fears. Fretting rises from our determination to have our own way. I learned that all my fretting and worrying is caused by my planning without God. I’ve been planning my life and asking God to bless it instead of asking God what to do first. Once I stopped and prayed the worries seized and I know that things will be great, truly. Samoa is going to be an adventure! I am actually excited about it all, the good, bad, and ugly. God is going to do amazing things through my team in Samoa and through me. My plans will never amount to God’s plans and so I fully surrender to Him and trust that He will show up in Samoa and transform the people we work with and continue to transform me. I’m energized to see all that we do. I’ve also learned that being grateful will pull you at of any funk. By remembering how overwhelmed with love I was on my birthday I can never feel alone. By remembering how God has provided for all my needs I cannot stress over food, money, or relationships. The fog is lifted by being intentional to thank God for all your blessings.

MY SAMOA TEAM
Kris, Me, Jo
Katrina, Judy, *Emily, *Jocelyn
(*Students of LCCY)

I leave in a few hours, and then reality will hit for sure. We are bringing over seven bins of school supplies and are ready to teach the teachers about our math, bible, phonics, and handwriting curriculum. We are prepared to run kids camps. I am super excited to just color with the kids…coloring is my favorite pastimes…something I can do for hours, which is probably what I will do. I am honestly not sure of the plan, but I plan to be surprised and what more can I ask for really? If you think of me over the next few weeks, please keep me in your prayers. Other than the basics of health and team unity, I really just ask that you pray that I continue to seek God, love God, and love others. Pray God gives me a heart for the Samoan people. Thank you all for your love and support. I’m truly overwhelmed with your love!

Samoa or Bust

So much for writing a blog every month. Fail!!! Can you ever forgive me? To say that not a lot has happened since I last wrote would be a lie, mostly because it has been over two months… of course a lot took place. I don’t even know where to begin.  Here are some super quick updates:

A Shark’s View

March

Like I said I would, March was the beginning of when I changed my eating habits. I went back to the basics. Actually, for a couple weeks I went completely vegetarian. That was no fun, and my energy levels plummeted, so I’m back to being an omnivore. I lasted a month and then the craving for sugar and bread overcame me and I was about to give up. I was literally standing in front of the donut aisle (yes a whole aisle of donuts) at Target and was making the important choice between chocolate and powdered, when I got a text from a friend. This friend is a die-hard gluten free extremely healthy eater and so I reached out for support. She invited me to read The Blood Sugar Solution and things haven’t been the same since. I’m now gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, caffeine free, alcohol free. All I eat is ICE! Just kidding. I have had some cheating moments, but have mostly maintained it. As a result I am much more active, full of energy, and I wake up early most mornings. My life has completely changed. I recommend this healthy lifestyle to anyone.

This is all the food I had in my pantry shelf. It was slim pickings at first, but I have found some healthy foods to fill it up.

My first financial supporters (besides my family), the Mays came to visit. Long story short, I met Suzie on my plane ride back from Costa Rica. We kept in touch and her and her husband decided to support my ministry. It was truly amazing and humbling that complete strangers believed that much in what I was doing. The fact that they came to visit for a week was also incredible. The highlight of their visit was an ATV ride around Waipio Valley. There visit breathed new life into me and help affirm why I am here. I am forever grateful for their friendship.

The MAYS & Me!

Me at Waipio….that waterfall was featured in the first Jurassic Park movie.

April

Easter was great this year, despite being so far away from family. I actually went with my roommate to the Sunrise service here where almost all the churches in the area unite and meet near the beach. I also was able to have dinner with friends. What a difference a year can be, because I truthfully spent last Easter alone in my dorm room. I think I watched a ton of movies and did some school work. This is a true testament to how blessed I am this year with having fostered good and healthy relationships. I don’t think I will ever spend another holiday alone.

Me and the always funny Katrina!

I was fortunate enough to fly home April 12-24 to help with and attend my friend Geri’s wedding. The week and a half was a whirlwind of helping prepare the wedding, meeting friends, and family, going through my storage stuff again, shopping for clothes that would actually fit, and trying to spend time with my parents. It was exhausting and definitely not a vacation. I had a great time at Geri’s wedding though and was blessed to be part of it. I am so proud of my friend. I was also blessed to reunite with friends I hadn’t seen or talked to in a while. I had greatly missed friends from Cali.

May

This month has been pretty awesome. I have been busy with trying to wrap up the school year. As of today we have two more weeks of school and quite frankly, I am not ready. I think that they are not ready for the next year. There is too much to do in that short amount of time. I’m reminding myself to finish strong, but I think that this is a season to give one final attempt to foster relationships. To build them up and make sure they truly know how to be creative problem solvers. I’ve veered from our usual and created many projects to culminate their knowledge learned. We’ll see how it goes.

Last week I was able to attend a Foundations in Education class at the University. It was such a blessing to have another week off teaching. It was so energizing to be given knowledge and insight and pause from the normal hectic workweek. I attended the lecture entitle “A Teacher God Can Use” given by Julia and Cleon Harper (Julia used to be the Dean of Education at Azusa Pacific and Colorado Christian University). I actually met them last school year during YWAM’s 50^th Anniversary in December 2010. When I reintroduced myself to the happy couple both were shocked of how much I have changed. The commented on how bright I am and how I am no longer “broken.” Wow, I really have changed. Everyone I saw back home last month made similar comments. Praise the Lord I am starting to be more comfortable in my own skin. I honestly didn’t know how bad it was, but apparently it was. So for those of you who have been praying for me, thank you! God has allowed many changes in my life. Please do not stop praying for me because I was also reminded by Julia of Philippians 1:6 “…be confident in this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Amen, I need more work. I’ve come so far and have so far to go, but the good news is that I am not alone.

Stand Up Paddle-boarding (SUP) adventure!

I have also been training the current teachers on our Math curriculum. PowerPoint is back in my life again. I didn’t realize how much I had missed it! I’m officially in charge of putting together parent workshops for Math next year, so I have started working on that. The most exciting thing on the horizon is my trip to Western Samoa this summer. I recently send a mailed newsletter expressing to you my summer outreach focus and needs. The dates have changed; I’ll be helping to train teachers from July 6^th -July 27^th. A quick update on my finances; I have received $330 of the $1,720 needed. If you would like to support me, please do not hesitate. Check out my latest newsletter for the details:

MAY NEWSLETTER

Things with my life are going amazingly well. I’ve had a great time with my roommates. Thanks to Katrina I pretty much laugh every night. Our landlord has finally addressed some of our needs in the condo, so we got a new dishwasher to replace the rusted-out one, our shower doors now slide, and our fan doesn’t look like it is about to fall down on someone’s head. The mold problem is being taken care of as well. Praise the Lord.  I’m truly blessed to live off campus. I don’t deserve such riches, but I am so grateful for it. I’ve been working out more and meeting more people in the community. It has been nice to step out and be part of the larger community instead of sticking to the University campus. Like I said back in August, Kona is home now. Thank you to all of you who have helped make this possible. I am blessed. Thank you all for being part of my life in some form or fashion. It truly has been a privilege to share this life.

I’m a SUP pro for sure! Yes, my board is the size of a boat, but I still have skills.

I leave you with the simple fact that I am loving this life God has given me. I am so excited to see how God will continue to provide, not just for my basic needs, but for my dreams and aspirations. He has good plans.

ALSO, my big 3-0 birthday is in 8 days!!! OH MY GOODNESS I AM GETTING OLD! I’m actually excited for this next chapter of my life. I will keep you updated on my summer adventure to Samoa. Please continue to keep me in your prayers and if you’d like to help me get there financially, that too would be greatly appreciated. May God continue to bless you all.

Want to support my missions trip to WESTERN SAMOA??? Click the link below.

http://www.uofnkona.edu/whylivebyfaith/5593